Category Archives: Tips For The Traveler

Lil' Timey, Tips For The Traveler

Time Traveler Rule #2

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Time Travel Rule #2: You break it you buy it… FOREVER.

Break something — a Prehistoric Egyptian jar (brand-new and at the same time preciously old) — crash the first Model T, or lose a contact lens in 1902 — the traveler is advised to visit the nearest Time Authority Remediation Branch and admit guilt to aid in the historical scrub-down. The Eternal Lord Bradbury has been proven right over and over again concerning his “Don’t step no bugs” edict. The traveler is cautioned to find a balance between traveler’s O.C.D. and reckless breakage of historic artifacts. Remember, on the timeline everything is a historic artifact.

 

Tips For The Traveler

Time Travel Rule #1

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Time Travel RuleFor all those waiting to learn the Do’s & Don’ts or just how a time traveler is to behave on the timeline — your wait is over!

The trickle-down of Time Travel Rules is about to begin so gas up your time cars, flux up your capacitors, and dial in your booths because traveling through time’s about to get more coherent.

Remember that all Time Travel Rules have been created and sanctioned by your Time Authority.

Time Travel Rule #1: Never Alter the Timeline for Altruistic Reasons

No matter how much you want to change up the timeline, don’t do it. The never-ending list of historic horrors invites the best intentioned traveler to correct the timeline and many seasoned travelers will try to do just that. One only has to scratch the surface of the timeline to glimpse the depth of human depravity but the TA demands: don’t scratch it too deeply! Altering tragic histories, no matter how good your intentions, always screws up the “Now” and the TA really hates that kind of interference.

You as traveler will most certainly encounter a “Time Anarchist” going rogue on the timeline. These Timeline agitators can be seen cordless-drilling holes in the Santa Maria, dropping Dee-Con rat-traps in 1350’s England, or  loosening bolts in the Apollo’s ladder in 1969. If you  go Anarchist you’ll have to ask yourself how much you care about the integrity of your timeline and how much do you care about your traveling buddies. Look to your left because your time traveling pal might not be there after you tweak the past. The traveler is spectator first, second, and always.

Tips For The Traveler

Early Man Snacks

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Caveman BAG copyEating is one big deal in the early human world and our simple recommendation is this: bring lots of snacks. Bring snacks for you and bring snacks for your new-found evolutionary pals!

Trust us — show up in a time machine and E.M. will come sniffing (people are damn curious no matter how high or low we stand on the evolutionary scale). If you show up in a flash of light and a metal box, you had better come with something to offer (A.K.A.: snacks!).

Since there’s no written language until 3200 BCE, Early Man can grunt on and on about your future gift food without leaving a written historic note to influence the timeline. We suggest a simple trail mix recipe it’s super fast to throw together and easy on the pocket. Feel free to hand out this trail mix to the E.M. you meet but beware of the bag! That plastic-metallic-poly bag never, ever erases from the timeline and that leads directly to traveler interference or TA Rule #3: “Don’t Litter on the Timeline”.

Use Those Thumbs — (The Perfect Early Trail Mix)

(Mix up any dried fruit available at your modern supermarket (aisle 5 next to the soup). The traveler has no idea what a big deal it is to eat dried fruit –historically speaking. Dried strawberries or pineapples are a mind-blowing delicacy to E.M.

  • 2 cups oatmeal, Rice Checks, really any cereal, bread crumbs — something grainy and processed — whatever!
  • 1 cup of dried (cheap stuff because you’re going to need more) raisins, raspberries, blueberries, pineapples, or strawberries
  • 1 cup of peanuts with shell — Nuts are okay despite what some claim about time travelers creating nut allergies
  • 1 box of powdered milk (yes, confounding powdered milk — it’s one of the eternal unanswerable questions: how does one drink dried milk?)
  • 1 cup sand
  • Mix all contents in a (see warning) plastic bag and shake! Shake it as much or as little as you like, it really doesn’t matter — it’s going onto the ground

Sprinkle your trail mix on the forest floor then, importantly, stand back! Once the local E.M. sniff out your trail mix (on a trail or not), they’ll come loping in fast.

Time Waves, Tips For The Traveler

You Plus You Go Boom

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Hand Shake“Hey, you look familiar!”  “You too!” — Two versions of the same traveler on different timelines — can you be in the same place at the same time? Can you look into each others eyes and say “what the…”?

Popular culture has perpetuated a number of time travel myths, fallacies, and down right lies about time travel. Maybe it’s ignorance or a deliberate plot to misinform perpetuated by the C.N.R., (Counter-Non-Linear Revolutionaries). Despite popular time travel beliefs, meeting your future or past self does not cause the timeline to unravel, brains to explode, or the universe to end in a wimper. Two yous can exist at once. You and you can even touch each other, dispelling another TT fallacy about instant combustion when coming into contact with your other self. Go ahead, shake hands, slap five, or give yourself a hug; it’s weird but harmless.

 

Tips For The Traveler

Knuckle-Dragging Part 1

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Caveman Natural1.3

Only slightly less dangerous than the Triassic-Cretaceous-Jurassic triple threat is going “knuckle-dragging” as some witless travelers call it. Early human history is, again, much too inviting to persuade the traveler not to visit — why fight it?

Your T.A. has created a series of hard-earned lessons for how to deal with our big-browed brothers.

E.M. (Early Man) are our genetic forbearers, but that shouldn’t fool the traveler; they differ greatly from the evolved. Depending on when you arrive, E.M. can be moody, unpredictable, and hungry.  Then again, maybe they are just like us.

 

Tips For The Traveler

Continental Breakfast on the Moon

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Lunar B&B 2.0As near-space travel proliferates, it very quickly gets guest-friendly and affordable. What starts as high-flung Earth orbits for over a million a pop becomes the next cottage industry for the twenty-thirties (the cottage being a Russian Zarya Syem cargo hold). Travelers visiting Earth’s near future will learn that Lunar homesteading soon morphs into a more realistic endeavor: inn-keeping.

Time travelers familiar with the lunar landscape of the farther future will enjoy the quaintness and down-home “Earthiness” of early lunar B & B’s.

One of our favorites is Bob and Helen’s Victorian B&B — established 2033. Bob and Helen’s has fresh hot towels in the morning and every room has a view of Earth as well as its own bathroom. Apollo World-Heritage Site trips are easy to arrange– just talk to Helen and Bob bakes up the freshest strawberry scones this side of Tycho — his secret: water!Traveler's Tip

Tips For The Traveler

Lace It Up

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LacesSure you’re sure-footed? It’s a tough jog through the deep-past, the far-future, or the mixed-up alternate.  Much of time travel is a run-for-your-life affair, which burns plenty of calories; to that end, you need to know when you’re in for a sprint. The “Lace It Up” icon will tell you when to wear your running shoes and tie those double-knots!

Tips For The Traveler

Let Your Time Authority Help…

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ICONography.2…with Quick Reference ICONS for On-the-Run Usability.

Head-spinning physics and quantum-level catastrophes can weigh on the traveler and take a toll emotionally and physically (META-physically). Not to worry, we’ve made the maddening minutia of time travel tips easier to understand. The following icons will alert, inform, and keep you flowing on the right side of the linear.

Watch out for Bites!

1. B.F. TEETH!

That’s “Big-Fat Teeth!” and the expression usually follows the words: “Oh My god, look at those…” Some travelers enjoy the thrill of encountering “big game” but must dislike the downside,  being eaten alive. To avoid destinations heavy in the tooth-on-bone contact, you should look for this helpful warning.

2. TRAVELER ALERT!

When you see this logo, it’s time to get packing! The timeline may be fixed but prices aren’t! Time Authority Travel Agents are constantly discovering hot new deals in the flashiest historic locales. Your T.A. has discovered the finest ancient Nile wine & dine cruises to the most romantic Lunar B & Bs.

Dinosaurs, Tips For The Traveler

Like Teeth Were Going Out Of Style

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Dinosaurs at golden hour

Dinosaurs at golden hour

Nothing will turn the dino-bent traveler away from the promise of historical big game — not even threats of Time Authority sanctioned punishment. Time travelers just love big game and the biggest game lives in pre-history (or the future when cloning goes dino-friendly). There is just no denying the need to see big beasts up close and for-reals. But be warned! It’s not just dinosaur guts being slow-cooked into 20th Century gasoline — fallen time travelers are trapped in the unleaded too.

The truth is those suckers were big — those suckers ARE big. It’s important to note the logistical realities of being near big-big game (we’ll hammer the bullet-points next time). This time, listen up: Your Time Authority commands you not to travel to the Triassic-Jurrassic-Cretaceous. Stay this side of the big impact. Even better: put a piece of tape on that time dial so it won’t turn past the 66 million years mark. It’s important to understand the concept of linear perspective. What looks fantastic from a distance, sometimes gets less so the closer the traveler gets. A few long minutes, or sometimes only seconds, in the Jurassic helps a traveler understand pretty quick. We recommend the traveler-to-be stew in these warning — let them sink in. Next we’ll give pointers to the bad listeners who still insist on a dino jaunt.