For all those waiting to learn the Do’s & Don’ts or just how a time traveler is to behave on the timeline — your wait is over!
The trickle-down of Time Travel Rules is about to begin so gas up your time cars, flux up your capacitors, and dial in your booths because traveling through time’s about to get more coherent. Remember that all Time Travel Rules have been created and sanctioned by your Time Authority.
Time Travel Rule #1: Never Alter the Timeline for Altruistic Reasons
No matter how much you want to end slavery, genocide, or any other historical horror, don’t touch them! Altering these tragic histories, no matter how good your intentions, always leads to something worse on the timeline. The traveler is spectator first, second, and always.
Eating is one big deal in the early human world and our simple recommendation is this: bring lots of snacks. Bring snacks for you and bring snacks for your new-found evolutionary pals!
Trust us — show up in a time machine and E.M. will come sniffing (people are damn curious no matter how high or low we stand on the evolutionary scale). If you show up in a flash of light and a metal box, you had better come with something to offer (A.K.A.: snacks!).
Since there’s no written language until 3200 BCE, Early Man can grunt on and on about your future gift food without leaving a written historic note to influence the timeline. We suggest a simple trail mix recipe it’s super fast to throw together and easy on the pocket. Feel free to hand out this trail mix to the E.M. you meet but beware of the bag! That plastic-metallic-poly bag never, ever erases from the timeline and that leads directly to traveler interference or TA Rule #3: “Don’t Litter on the Timeline”.
Use Those Thumbs — (The Perfect Early Trail Mix)
(Mix up any dried fruit available at your modern supermarket (aisle 5 next to the soup). The traveler has no idea what a big deal it is to eat dried fruit –historically speaking. Dried strawberries or pineapples are a mind-blowing delicacy to E.M.
- 2 cups oatmeal, Rice Checks, really any cereal, bread crumbs — something grainy and processed — whatever!
- 1 cup of dried (cheap stuff because you’re going to need more) raisins, raspberries, blueberries, pineapples, or strawberries
- 1 cup of peanuts with shell – Nuts are okay despite what some claim about time travelers creating nut allergies
- 1 box of powdered milk (yes, confounding powdered milk — it’s one of the eternal unanswerable questions: how does one drink dried milk?)
- 1 cup sand
- Mix all contents in a (see warning) plastic bag and shake! Shake it as much or as little as you like, it really doesn’t matter — it’s going onto the ground
Sprinkle your trail mix on the forest floor then, importantly, stand back! Once the local E.M. sniff out your trail mix (on a trail or not), they’ll come loping in fast.
Everyone has heard the don’t’s that threaten time travel disasters: “Don’t meet your past self!” “Don’t so much as even sneeze on the timeline,” “Don’t date your great-great grandmother no matter how hot she is!” Don’t, Don’t, Don’t! But time travelers are “Do-ers” not “Don’t-ers” and all that can’t-do talk can really get a time traveler down. Hey, you didn’t companion-up, wait all those years for time travel to be invented, or actually invent time travel to then get all negative about it.
Still, there are hard and fast rules established by the Time Authority that every traveler needs to know. The Time Authority is a multi-century, multi-timeline regulatory agency in charge of keeping the timeline consistent, linear, and like a high-fiber diet for the timestream — regular. A recently “found” guidebook to time travel provides user-friendly tips to understanding the Authority’s laws and how to stay safely on the right side of them. Here we’ll slowly dole out the list of top time-traveling “No-No’s” to keep the traveler on the straight and narrow — non-linearly, of course — slowly in case the TA finds this information harmful to the timeline.
“Hey, you look familiar!” ”You too!” — Two versions of the same traveler on different timelines — can you be in the same place at the same time? Can you look into each others eyes and say “what the…”?
Popular culture has perpetuated a number of time travel myths, fallacies, and down right lies about time travel. Maybe it’s ignorance or a deliberate plot to misinform perpetuated by the C.N.R., (Counter-Non-Linear Revolutionaries). Despite popular time travel beliefs, meeting your future or past self does not cause the timeline to unravel, brains to explode, or the universe to end in a wimper. Two yous can exist at once. You and you can even touch each other, dispelling another TT fallacy about instant combustion when coming into contact with your other self. Go ahead, shake hands, slap five, or give yourself a hug; it’s weird but harmless.
Only slightly less dangerous than the Triassic-Cretaceous-Jurassic triple threat is going “knuckle-dragging” as some witless travelers call it. Early human history is, again, much too inviting to persuade the traveler not to visit — why fight it?
Your T.A. has created a series of hard-earned lessons for how to deal with our big-browed brothers.
E.M. (Early Man) are our genetic forbearers, but that shouldn’t fool the traveler; they differ greatly from the evolved. Depending on when you arrive, E.M. can be moody, unpredictable, and hungry. Then again, maybe they are just like us.
As near-space travel proliferates, it very quickly gets guest-friendly and affordable. What starts as high-flung Earth orbits for over a million a pop becomes the next cottage industry for the twenty-thirties (the cottage being a Russian Zarya Syem cargo hold). Travelers visiting Earth’s near future will learn that Lunar homesteading soon morphs into a more realistic endeavor: inn-keeping.
Time travelers familiar with the lunar landscape of the farther future will enjoy the quaintness and down-home “Earthiness” of early lunar B & B’s.
One of our favorites is Bob and Helen’s Victorian B&B — established 2033. Bob and Helen’s has fresh hot towels in the morning and every room has a view of Earth as well as its own bathroom. Apollo World-Heritage Site trips are easy to arrange– just talk to Helen and Bob bakes up the freshest strawberry scones this side of Tycho — his secret: water!