Category Archives: Dinosaurs

Dinosaurs

Again With the Teeth

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1. GETTING CLOSE: First, Don’t! If you absolutely can’t control yourself, at least THINK before you approach a dinosaur. The novice traveler inevitably gets too close (you need those hands for your time dials).

The fact is time traveler or not, dinosaurs are inconsistent with your timeline which leads to pretty severe fight or flight mis-fires. The traveler seems to lose his natural instinct for self-preservation but it’s actually just the human body being unable to come to terms with seeing things that big.

2: DON’T BELIEVE YOUR MOVIES: 20th century movies have misinformed you about how to act around dinosaurs. In the movies, dinosaurs are shot in SLOW MOTION giving a false impression about their speed and there’s just no way to accurately capture how big they are. Seeing dinosaurs up close can make you lose your breath and maybe your bowels too. When the Brachiosaurus stops chewing and looks up at you — She’s all: “What are you looking at? And you’re all: “I can’t formulate a coherent sequence of thoughts.” — you should already be running!Teeth and Icon

Dinosaurs, Tips For The Traveler

Like Teeth Were Going Out Of Style

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Dinosaurs at golden hour

Dinosaurs at golden hour

Nothing will turn the dino-bent traveler away from the promise of historical big game — not even threats of Time Authority sanctioned punishment. Time travelers just love big game and the biggest game lives in pre-history (or the future when cloning goes dino-friendly). There is just no denying the need to see big beasts up close and for-reals. But be warned! It’s not just dinosaur guts being slow-cooked into 20th Century gasoline — fallen time travelers are trapped in the unleaded too.

The truth is those suckers were big — those suckers ARE big. It’s important to note the logistical realities of being near big-big game (we’ll hammer the bullet-points next time). This time, listen up: Your Time Authority commands you not to travel to the Triassic-Jurrassic-Cretaceous. Stay this side of the big impact. Even better: put a piece of tape on that time dial so it won’t turn past the 66 million years mark. It’s important to understand the concept of linear perspective. What looks fantastic from a distance, sometimes gets less so the closer the traveler gets. A few long minutes, or sometimes only seconds, in the Jurassic helps a traveler understand pretty quick. We recommend the traveler-to-be stew in these warning — let them sink in. Next we’ll give pointers to the bad listeners who still insist on a dino jaunt.

Dinosaurs, Pre-Pre-History, Tips For The Traveler

Pre-Pre-History

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Pre-History is a big, big place with many exciting points of interest; but we’re talking dinosaurs here. The time traveler is a thrill-seeker by nature and time travel offers the most extreme of thrills. Because of this, time travelers always want to visit the prehistoric past. Pre-History is the X-Games of the time line!

Time travelers heed this warning: the Triassic-Cretaceous-Jurassic eras (or for the lay-est of lay-travelers, “Dinosaur Times”) just aren’t worth the visit. The humidity, the stomping (no one ever mentions how loud those things were), and all those teeth!

Watch out! Dinosaurs dragged their tails through the mud for such a long time that even if the traveler twists hard on her time dial, say an extra 20 million years, she will still pop in and see a mess of dinosaurs. Why not set your dial post 65-million years B.C., after the nasty suckers got wiped? It’s much safer for the traveler and there’s far less running for your life.

Extreme sport-er or not, the time traveler lucky enough to make it back from the dinosaur chunk of pre-history is always sorry she visited (it really comes down to all those teeth.) If the traveler insists on a dinosaur look-see, we recommend getting his or her fix at a revival park in the late 2200’s. The dinosaurs may be grown from half-chicken DNA, but they never escape and eat people… well, almost never