Tips For The Traveler

Continental Breakfast on the Moon

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Lunar B&B 2.0As near-space travel proliferates, it very quickly gets guest-friendly and affordable. What starts as high-flung Earth orbits for over a million a pop becomes the next cottage industry for the twenty-thirties (the cottage being a Russian Zarya Syem cargo hold). Travelers visiting Earth’s near future will learn that Lunar homesteading soon morphs into a more realistic endeavor: inn-keeping.

Time travelers familiar with the lunar landscape of the farther future will enjoy the quaintness and down-home “Earthiness” of early lunar B & B’s.

One of our favorites is Bob and Helen’s Victorian B&B — established 2033. Bob and Helen’s has fresh hot towels in the morning and every room has a view of Earth as well as its own bathroom. Apollo World-Heritage Site trips are easy to arrange– just talk to Helen and Bob bakes up the freshest strawberry scones this side of Tycho — his secret: water!Traveler's Tip

Tips For The Traveler

Lace It Up

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LacesSure you’re sure-footed? It’s a tough jog through the deep-past, the far-future, or the mixed-up alternate.  Much of time travel is a run-for-your-life affair, which burns plenty of calories; to that end, you need to know when you’re in for a sprint. The “Lace It Up” icon will tell you when to wear your running shoes and tie those double-knots!

Tips For The Traveler

Let Your Time Authority Help…

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ICONography.2…with Quick Reference ICONS for On-the-Run Usability.

Head-spinning physics and quantum-level catastrophes can weigh on the traveler and take a toll emotionally and physically (META-physically). Not to worry, we’ve made the maddening minutia of time travel tips easier to understand. The following icons will alert, inform, and keep you flowing on the right side of the linear.

Watch out for Bites!

1. B.F. TEETH!

That’s “Big-Fat Teeth!” and the expression usually follows the words: “Oh My god, look at those…” Some travelers enjoy the thrill of encountering “big game” but must dislike the downside,  being eaten alive. To avoid destinations heavy in the tooth-on-bone contact, you should look for this helpful warning.

2. TRAVELER ALERT!

When you see this logo, it’s time to get packing! The timeline may be fixed but prices aren’t! Time Authority Travel Agents are constantly discovering hot new deals in the flashiest historic locales. Your T.A. has discovered the finest ancient Nile wine & dine cruises to the most romantic Lunar B & Bs.

Dinosaurs

Again With the Teeth

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1. GETTING CLOSE: First, Don’t! If you absolutely can’t control yourself, at least THINK before you approach a dinosaur. The novice traveler inevitably gets too close (you need those hands for your time dials).

The fact is time traveler or not, dinosaurs are inconsistent with your timeline which leads to pretty severe fight or flight mis-fires. The traveler seems to lose his natural instinct for self-preservation but it’s actually just the human body being unable to come to terms with seeing things that big.

2: DON’T BELIEVE YOUR MOVIES: 20th century movies have misinformed you about how to act around dinosaurs. In the movies, dinosaurs are shot in SLOW MOTION giving a false impression about their speed and there’s just no way to accurately capture how big they are. Seeing dinosaurs up close can make you lose your breath and maybe your bowels too. When the Brachiosaurus stops chewing and looks up at you — She’s all: “What are you looking at? And you’re all: “I can’t formulate a coherent sequence of thoughts.” — you should already be running!Teeth and Icon

Dinosaurs, Tips For The Traveler

Like Teeth Were Going Out Of Style

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Dinosaurs at golden hour

Dinosaurs at golden hour

Nothing will turn the dino-bent traveler away from the promise of historical big game — not even threats of Time Authority sanctioned punishment. Time travelers just love big game and the biggest game lives in pre-history (or the future when cloning goes dino-friendly). There is just no denying the need to see big beasts up close and for-reals. But be warned! It’s not just dinosaur guts being slow-cooked into 20th Century gasoline — fallen time travelers are trapped in the unleaded too.

The truth is those suckers were big — those suckers ARE big. It’s important to note the logistical realities of being near big-big game (we’ll hammer the bullet-points next time). This time, listen up: Your Time Authority commands you not to travel to the Triassic-Jurrassic-Cretaceous. Stay this side of the big impact. Even better: put a piece of tape on that time dial so it won’t turn past the 66 million years mark. It’s important to understand the concept of linear perspective. What looks fantastic from a distance, sometimes gets less so the closer the traveler gets. A few long minutes, or sometimes only seconds, in the Jurassic helps a traveler understand pretty quick. We recommend the traveler-to-be stew in these warning — let them sink in. Next we’ll give pointers to the bad listeners who still insist on a dino jaunt.

Dinosaurs, Pre-Pre-History, Tips For The Traveler

Pre-Pre-History

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Pre-History is a big, big place with many exciting points of interest; but we’re talking dinosaurs here. The time traveler is a thrill-seeker by nature and time travel offers the most extreme of thrills. Because of this, time travelers always want to visit the prehistoric past. Pre-History is the X-Games of the time line!

Time travelers heed this warning: the Triassic-Cretaceous-Jurassic eras (or for the lay-est of lay-travelers, “Dinosaur Times”) just aren’t worth the visit. The humidity, the stomping (no one ever mentions how loud those things were), and all those teeth!

Watch out! Dinosaurs dragged their tails through the mud for such a long time that even if the traveler twists hard on her time dial, say an extra 20 million years, she will still pop in and see a mess of dinosaurs. Why not set your dial post 65-million years B.C., after the nasty suckers got wiped? It’s much safer for the traveler and there’s far less running for your life.

Extreme sport-er or not, the time traveler lucky enough to make it back from the dinosaur chunk of pre-history is always sorry she visited (it really comes down to all those teeth.) If the traveler insists on a dinosaur look-see, we recommend getting his or her fix at a revival park in the late 2200’s. The dinosaurs may be grown from half-chicken DNA, but they never escape and eat people… well, almost never

EVIDENCE!

First Interview With a Time Traveler

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In the Fall of 2012 we were granted an interview by someone claiming to be a time traveler. He said his purpose was to “…encourage particular innovators to continue the work that eventually leads to time travel.” While he was a little tight-lipped during our interview he said it was important that we post the following, very detailed message: “The spatial mapping will sort itself out if you continue to follow the boson anomalies. Do not give up.” if this means anything to you, please get in touch with us at thetimeauthority.com.

Time Travel Moves

Don’t Want To Wait For Time Travel?

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The future is out there — the genetically grown gold, the bio-brains (they’re like two brains in one!), and yes, the time machines. In the future, time travel is commonplace, a vacation, and for some a vocation. So where do all the future time travelers go? The far future is amusing, especially after the wars are over, but mostly, travelers go backward or “downstream” in time. Time travelers are literally everywhere, turning over the rocks and stones of history. They show up in the background of old newsreel footage; they get captured by supermarket surveillance cameras, and they stroll by you on the street. You’ve probably passed someone dressed clearly out-of-date; remember that guy with the parachute pants and the M.C. Hammer hair too deep into the 90’s? That’s right: time traveler. The point is, you don’t have to wait for time travel to be invented because time travelers are already here. All you need to do is find a way to cozy up to one and tell him to scoot over because you’re coming along for the ride.

Tips For The Traveler

Time Gawkin’

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It’s hard to decide what to bring and what to leave behind when you’re planning to take a front-row seat at a historic catastrophe. (You wouldn’t necessarily remember to bring an umbrella to the Hindenburg disaster, but it was raining in New Jersey that day.)

Many of the Earth’s greatest mishaps were lost in pre-history well before the record books and the discovery of the opposable pen-pushing thumb. Too bad the dinosaurs couldn’t write a memoir of their final days, but now time travelers can bear witness. Disasters are crowded with time-gawkers creating maximum-capacity issues. Vesuvius, Hindenburg, and 1906 San Francisco are standing-room-only. The Titanic’s captain has no idea that if he only focuses his binoculars behind the ship he’ll spot hundreds of spectators from the future paddling to watch him bite the dust.

Watching history’s disasters play out is morbid so have patience, act decently, and respect the victims of time’s disasters; most of all, be a good spectator.